Being Stalked for Fun and Pleasure

I have always wanted my very own stalker. No really. To be the center of someone's universe so completely that they have to know your every move, habit, like, dislike etc... (And just to clarify, I'm not talking about the Teenager's toddler years when the Lt. Col and I were one hundred percent certain she was a stalker by nature and neither of us could even pee in private)

No, I'm talking about the kind of stalker who's not dependent on me for survival. The kind who chooses to follow me because of my complete awesomeness, but with zero insane desires to strangle me or some such nonsense because I simply do not have time for extracurricular strangling around here. (And maybe leaves me little presents like Boo Radley did for Scout and Jem - except better stuff than gum and trinkets...I'm thinking silver bracelets and Godiva, just in case any potential stalkers are reading this) I mean, how flattering would that be? Billions of people on the planet and I am so impossible to live without, that someone has to stalk me. That's real LOVE, people (or real something, anyway).


So, the Lt. Col rolls into the driveway one day a few weeks ago (yes, I am such a procrastinator, that's how late this post is) and walks in with a raised eyebrow.


Lt. Col: "What's going on here?"

Me: "I'm finally being stalked. Isn't it great?"

Lt. Col: "Since I left home ten hours ago you've acquired a stalker AND a dog?"

Me: "It's a twofer deal. She's also my stalker."

Lt. Col: "I can't wait to hear this one."

Me: "Well, I drove Sidekick to school this morning... and Francesca here, began stalking me on the way. She chased us for at least a mile and a half before she leapt into the car."

Lt. Col: "She leapt into a moving car with closed windows? How did that happen?" (He suspects I'm providing a less than accurate account because in addition to wanting a stalker, I've also been wanting a dog for a long time)

Me: "Oh, no, I stopped. I was just going to pet her and compliment her stalking. But when I opened the door, she jumped into the car and refused to leave." I am smiling, scratching behind Francesca's ears. "She's a VERY loyal stalker."

Lt. Col: "Mmmmhmmmm. Really, you took someone's dog?"

Me: "Noooo, someone's dog car jacked me. Sort of. Haven't you been listening to me? This is why it took so long to get stalking laws on the books. Nobody listens to the victim!"


ENTER: Teenager and Sidekick.


Teenager: "Okay, we've got the flyers printed out."


Sidekick: "We're going to take her with us because maybe someone will recognize her."


Me: "Easy come easy go, I guess." 


Teenager: "I sure HOPE it's easy go. We do NOT need a dog around here!"


Turns out, Francesca had a microchip and belonged to the owners of a phenomenal restaurant here in town. But I'm not giving them any free publicity because A) I'm jealous that they have such a cute dog, B) I'm pouting that I no longer have a fun stalker, And C) They gave her a super lame name - Cabbie. (Francesca was MY name for her) I'm posting her picture so you can see how freakin ADORABLE she is. Without further ado...
Best. Stalker. Ever.